Tuesday, September 16, 2008

This week compo ( Burglary)

Burglary

“What have I done? If I did not let my door open, the burglar would not come in…” I sobbed as I broke into tears. This was what happened.

“Mom, I’m back from school!” I shouted but no one respond. Maybe she had just gone out. I took out my school shoes and put them outside my house. I smelled something was so fragrant that I floated to the where the fragrant come from. I went to the kitchen and saw a note on the oven. The note was written like this “Dear Sam, I had fell down and I thing I broke my bone, I am going to the hospital to check with our neighbor, Miss Tan. I left some noodles in the oven and you don’t need to visit me. From Mum” I froze for a few seconds, numerous thought went through my mind, should I visit mom or should I just stay home? After a few seconds, I decide to stay home since my mother told me not to visit her. I took out the delicious, nice smelling noodles out and started to eat. “Wow, I am so full!” I said and I started to yawn. Maybe I need some sleep. I went to my bed and I fell asleep when the moment my head touch the pillow.

Suddenly, a burglar come into my house, firstly, he saw the photo of my father and mother photos. That must be the master bedroom! He sneaked in and spotted a few jewelries outside a cabinet. I’m rich! He took every thing inside the cabinet including my parents’ wedding ring. Then, he went in my room. “Hehehe, look at how he sleeps!” He laughed softly and took everything that is valuable. When he was going out of my room, he hit a chair. “Ouch! Stupid chair!” he yelled. “Huh? What’s that?” I woke up, seeing him holding firmly with a bag and some jewelries hanging out. “Opps!” he said and ran out of my house. “Burglar! Burglar! I screamed at my top voice. I ran out and continued shouting “Burglar! Burglar!” The policeman patrolling heard my shouts and came up. “What happen?” he asked me, and I replied “One burglar had stole my parents’ jewelries and I can’t find him.” Tears welled up in my eyes. He brought me back to my house and asked me patiently that how come he could come into my house. Out of the blues, I remembered something, “Oh, I think I forgotten to close the door.” I gasped. I told what the burglar look like and the policeman started to find the burglar.

After a few days, the policeman did not find the burglar and told my family and I maybe that he gone to other countries. I got scolded by my parents and was told not to be so careless again and they grounded me for two weeks.

1 comment:

tsooc said...

Dear KQ,

I love your beginning. It was both concise and effective. Good! Keep it up. You can also take note of the following to improve:

- When you read the note from your mother, shouldn't the thoughts be about your worries for your mum?

- It was not clear that you had forgotten to lock the door. Why don't you create a situation like you rushing in to pick up the phone and left the door ajar. Then you forgot all about it as you looked for your mum.

- When you are writing as though you are the author, you can't describe what you did not see or feel. Eg you wouldn't know what the burglar did while you were sleeping.

Really looking forward to your second draft.
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